OK. Fine. I get it. Pleeeeeeeeease don’t take away my Rebublican membership card and secret decoder ring. I’ll toe the party line.
This country was founded by Christians and the fundamental basis for all our laws is the Ten Commandments. The Big 10 are the indisputable Word of God, and they are not up for debate. God said it. I believe it. That’s the end of it.
There, I said it. Happy now? May I have my elephant tie-tack back?
For you hell-bound liberals out there, let me remind you what the Ten Commandments are:
1. Thou shalt worship no other god (For the Lord is a jealous god).
2. Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
3. The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep in the month when the ear is on the corn.
4. All the first-born are mine.
5. Six days shalt thou work, but on the seventh thou shalt rest.
6. Thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, even of the first fruits of the wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end.
7. Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leavened bread.
8. The fat of my feast shall not remain all night until the morning.
9. The first of the first fruits of thy ground thou shalt bring unto the house of the Lord thy God.
10. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in its mother's milk.
So for all you sin-filled bastards who think public schools should allow seething kids in their mother’s milk, I got news for you… I…um…
OK minor problem here. Those are the SECOND Ten Commandments. Moses broke the first set when he saw everybody having a Baal with the golden calf. The Bible tells us that he rewrote them exactly on the next set of stone tablets. And, by what can only be described as “a miracle,” they turned out completely different.
I hear a little grumbling from the Damned among you. You might say that this is another place where the Good Book contradicts Itself. To you I say, “Enjoy Hell. God’s Word contains no contradictions.”
So back to the Ten Commandments. There are basically three sets to choose from – Catholic, Protestant, and Jewish (the Islamic version of Exodus 20 is probably different from those three, but who can read that crazy writing they use? Not me!). Since the Founding Fathers were Protestant, THAT version is the immutable Word of God that we shall use.
Let me break it down for you –
1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Seems simple enough. Somehow most of us have forgotten that part of the Constitution that makes worshipping anyone other than Yaweh illegal. Well, you fucking-a BETTER remember it next time you want to practice Hinduism.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
Wow. There’s a lot going on there. I guess I missed this part of the Constitution too, so let me get this straight. No graven images of anything; No sculptures of cattle, no crosses on churches, no statues of Mary, no bas-relief of Jesus, no Statue of Liberty, no Mt Rushmore, NO GOD-DAMNED 3-D RECREATIONS OF ANYTHING. Part two – if you do happen to have a graven image lying around, do not worship or serve it. I can not stress enough how important this is to our laws, our freedoms and our nation as a whole. If you worship your graven image, the terrorists will win.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain: for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
Once again, a very simple Command that is clearly the basis of law the USA – don’t say “God” (or “Yaweh”) in an irreverent or disrespectful manner. And you had best not blaspheme, because Leviticus 24:16 says “And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death.”
Numero quatro -
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day, and hallowed it.
Whew! That’s a pretty long-winded way to say, “Don’t work on Saturday.” But that’s what it says. Jesus went to church on Saturday, and you should too… ALL DAY. Do not mow the lawn. Do not play baseball. Do not pass Go and collect $200. If you do, you need to die. – “Whosoever doeth any work in the Sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.” (Exodus 31:15) God Said it. I believe it. That’s all there is to it.
Hey, you want to go to church on Sunday, be my guest. It’s a free country. But if your butt isn’t in the pew on Saturday, it will be in the electric chair on Monday. Remember, my patriotic brethren, it’s a well-known fact that our Founding Fathers attended church on Saturdays, and did little else.
5. Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
Is there anything more American than honoring your parents? Hell no! That's why it was enshrined in our Constitution - Article something-or-other, Section Eight.
And while we are on the topic, remember that if you curse or smite your mother or father, you need to die. Exodus 21:15 & 21:17 are very clear on this. No smiting dad. No cursing mom. You do, you die.
6. Thou shalt not kill.
What the fuck is THIS doing in here? Some peacenik, liberal pansy must have sabotaged my Bible. This country was founded with a WAR. I’m pretty sure at least a couple of people died in it. This has got to be a mistake. Avert your eyes. AVERT YOUR EYES, DAMN YOU!
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
All this stuff is in the Constitution, people. It's just written in very, very tiny letters. It’s against the law to slip it to another man’s wife. If you do, you need to die. (Leviticus 20:10: And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death.) I assume Gingrich, Barr, Jessie Jackson, et al are on death row, right?
8. Thou shalt not steal.
Unless you are Ken Lay or employed by Halliburton.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Note: if your neighbor is Iraq, and you bear false witness and a whole bunch of people die and you spend a few hundred billion dollars that you don’t have after you bore false witness about how it would only cost $1.5 billion, that doesn’t count.
And finally, we get to -
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's.
I know you covet my ass. I don’t mind, but God and our Founding Fathers have a problem with it.
All this “manservant” and “maidservant” might lead a guy to think the Bible endorses slavery, but that’s a debate for another day. What is important here is that the framers of the Constitution were very clear that coveting is a crime. It’s OK to watch MTV Cribs, read The Robb Report, and look at Catherine Zeta Jones, just DO NOT COVET while you do so.
So there you have it. Now you know why it is so important to have graven images of the Ten Commandments in our schools and courts. Any questions?