The Motion Picture Industry Association of America is crying in its 186oz Diet Pepsi. Profits are off. The numbers are in the tank. People are staying away from the movies in droves. Hollywood points its pinky-ring adorned finger at file swappers, but we all know the real reason for the decline: Going to the movies sucks
Well pay attention, Hollywood executive producers and associated sycophants.
Gord’s Guide to Saving the Movies.
#1 Stop making movies that suck.
This should be obvious.When you passed around the script for Elf, didn’t anybody notice that it sucked? Surely somebody must have pointed it out. You’ve got some of the most talented people in the world working in your industry. Next time one of them says that the script sucks, LISTEN TO THEM.
#2 Make original movies.
This goes hand-in-hand with rule #1. Be original. Declare a moratorium on rehashing old ideas. Do not make any sequels, prequels or parallel storylines. If the movie is based on a TV show, comic book, or Mad Magazine cartoon, do not make the movie. No Batman, Superman, or Rain Man. No Alien. No Duece Bigalow. No Police Academy. No James Bond, Men in Black, Star Wars, Star Trek or Star Search. And never, ever, ever, no matter what make another movie based on a skit from Saturday Night Live.
#3 More nudity
There is a reason movie stars aren’t generally ugly. It’s because schmucks like me want to look at beautiful people. And what’s better than beautiful people? That’s right, beautiful, naked people.
And while I’m on the subject, don’t limit the nudity to the actresses. It may come as a surprise that roughly half the population would like to see naked men on the screen. My wife doesn’t want to see Scarlett Johansson shed her clothes. She wants to see Brad Pitt. And not just his chest either. She wants to see the whole salami, if you know what I mean. If you show it,they will come.
#4 Upgrade your audience
When Jean-Paul Sartre wrote, “Hell is other people,” he was probably sitting in a movie theater. It is damn near impossible to enjoy the willing suspension of disbelief when I’ve got cell phones going off, babies crying and loquacious dunderheads jabbering through the film.
The problem is that the norms and mores of society no longer apply inside the theater. It’s an air conditioned version of Lord of the Flies, and the conch is smashed all over the floor with the JujuBees. Miss Manners isn’t going to help us. Hollywood needs to assert some authority inside the theater. And I’m not talking about the pimple-faced 98 pound assistant manager either. Theatres need bouncers.
If your cell phone rings, I want some big bruiser with no neck right up in your face, reminding you to turn it off RIGHT NOW. You create a disturbance, I want you tasered and quickly removed from the theater.
It’s all about behavior modification. Half the reason people talk during the movie is because they talk during the previews and forget to shut up once the movie starts. And it’s hard to blame them. It used to be that you’d have two or three “coming attractions,” then the main feature rolled. Now we have to sit through insipid Pepsi ads, commercials for Ford, AND THEN twenty minutes of previews that probably give away the whole plot anyway.
So knock it off. Jesus! We already bought the ticket. You want to run ads, you should pay us for our time.
#5 End the snack bar madness
A major profit center for modern cinemas is the snack bar. But this has turned into a sugar-coated clusterfuck too. So let’s unfuck it, shall we? First of all, sell sensible size products. The smallest size drink I can get is big enough to swim in. I don’t WANT to get up and pee during the movie. Offer a 12oz Coke. That's small, right? I’ll pay you a buck fifty for 10 cents worth of sugar water. But I’m not interested in consuming something that should come with its own commemorative, collectible catheter, even if it is “only” five bucks.
Which brings me to the snack prices. I should be able to get a popcorn and drink for five bucks. But nooooooooo…you guys want to make a KILLINGon the snacks. You charge $4.75 for a small popcorn alone because you think I have no other choice. Well guess what, I do have another choice. I choose to forgo the snack. Fuck you. You could have had my $5, but now you get nothing . I hope you’re proud of yourselves.
So there you go. Get to work on this right away. In the mean time, I’ve got a pirated DVD of Deep Throat I need to watch.