Skirt Alert
There’s the guy I see around town sometimes, and he wears a skirt. Not like a slinky, foo-foo skirt. It’s a leather and brown denim affair, with pockets and whatnot. It’s like a “masculine” skirt, worn with boots and a T-shirt. Whatever. The guy looks like a douchebag.
Yesterday, I saw a DIFFERENT guy in the same sort of man-skirt. He was a real winner – pasty faced, tubby and sporting thin whisps of facial hair. He made the first guy look masculine.
Now I realize that I am hardly the best looking guy around, but I don’t go out of my way to look like I’m angling for a lesson in prison-style sodomy. In other words, I don’t regularly wear a skirt. Oh, I might have during a blearly-eyed Halloween party in college…but my point is that I don’t do it every day.
So before another asshat in my fine town decides to wear a skirt to the grocery store, I suggest everybody read...
Gord’s Guide to Skirts for American Men
The following people are allowed to wear skirts:
1) Top-level martial arts masters
The really old-style Japanese ghis had sort of a skirt thing instead of pants. My old sensei wore a black one as part of his uniform. He was undoubtedly the most badass mofo I have ever encountered. He can wear a skirt.
2) Properly accessorized Scotts
Do you know what my sensei called his Japanese, Jujitsui skirt? He called it a “skirt.” He didn’t have some fancy name for it. He didn’t try to pretend it was something it wasn’t. So you Scottish people ought to take note. Stop calling it a “kilt.” It’s a fuggin’ skirt, OK? And not all you guys should be wearing one. In fact, there are only two times you should wear one. One - you are wielding a bagpipe. Two – you are wielding a claymore. So if you don’t have that crazy woodwind, or giant sword on you, leave the skirt at home. Nobody thinks it’s cool. I’m done pretending that it’s alright because of your heritage. I don’t care if your ancestors wore one. You don’t see me dressing as a Welsh peasant. ‘Nuff said.
3) Cross-dressers
Drag queens are allowed wear skirts. Far be it from me to deny a person part of his/her FABULOUS wardrobe. So George, you’re cool. You just wear whatever makes you feel pretty.
