Livin' La Perra Rata
There's an extra dog at my house. I've been informed that we are dog-sitting my Mother In Law's terrier for the next week or so. She's an ancient bitch that does little more than growl and sleep. (We’re talking about the dog here, quit smirking. I like my in-laws)
This old-ass terrier needs to sleep in our room. Apparently if she is left alone for more than 2.37 seconds, she shrieks and howls like she's being skinned alive. (possibly practicing for the inevitable?)
I've never known the dog to do much of anything, so I didn't think the sleep-setup would be a problem.
Could I have been any more wrong?
This little mass of wiry hair and bad teeth is nocturnal. So all night long, it has to come over to my side of the bed and start snuffling, puffing and hunting dust bunnies. I swear to god, the little bitch woke me up at 1:30, 2:30, 3:45, 4:15, 5:00, and 6:00AM. (I keep track of these things.)
While I was up all night listening to the Rhyme of the Ancient Terrier, my pregnant-ass wife was sound asleep. So when I dared to complain about things this morning, I came off like a sleep- deprived lunatic. After all, she didn't have any trouble sleeping though it.
Exhausted, chastised and more than a little grumpy, I went to work. When I returned 11 hours later, I was really in no mood to deal with anyone, especially the dog.
The dog, of course, took this as a cue to spend the next twenty minutes sniffing my ankles and whining. I don’t know if she wanted to eat my ankles or hump them, (they are very sexy) but it got pretty old.
We developed a sort of dance together. Rat-dog wheezed and sniffed and rubbed against me until I gently pushed her away with my foot. (note: I did not kick the dog. I gently pushed her away with my foot). Rat dog looked up, skittered over to me and we started over. It went on forever.
I don’t need to tell you what happened. I’m sure you can guess. My wife walked in on us. Me – leg fully extended in the classic “just kicked the dog” position. Dog – looking up and whining with the classic “some asshole just kicked me” expression on her face.
If you are ever caught in this situation, “I didn’t kick her. I just pushed her away with my foot” may be the truthful explanation. But a safer, more believable one would be, “I put the dog in my pants, then shimmied around the kitchen until she fell out of my pant-leg.”