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Pain(t)

I spent the last week trying to paint my home office. It hasn’t been pretty. Or, rather, its been way too pretty. And that’s the problem. Every night, I came home from work and dedicated a few hours to the project. And every night I went to bed worse off than I was before.

I was tired of the dirty white paint chipping off the walls, and I thought that a really subtle organic green would be a nice change of pace. So I gathered a few hundred paint chips, and picked the lightest, most subtle green I could find. It was called “Hint of Spring.” That’s a nice name isn’t it? Just what I wanted.

It went on well enough. It looked good when it was wet. It was just a hint of algae green. Perfect. But when it dried, it was waaaaaaaaaaay different. My room didn’t look like an office. It looked like the inside of Kermit the Frog’s ass. "Hint of Spring?" Try "Expose' of Amphibian Muppet Butt."

Back to Home Despot I went. And there I picked a new hue of green. This one was even more subtle. It was freakin’ white. It was only green if you glanced at it out of the corner of your eye, then quickly looked away before the paint had time to notice. THIS was the color I was after.

And so once again I masked of the room, tarped the new floor (yes, I installed a new floor THEN painted. Why do you ask?) and began applying paint to wall. And once again, it went on well. It looked nice when it was wet. But when it dried…Goodbye muppet-butt, hello, neon mint-chip ice cream.

Great. So now I’d painted the room twice. And it still sucked. To make matters worse, the brown trim (a color that actually looked good with the Kermit-bunghole surprise color) looked like caramel baby-crap next to the neon mint paint. My office is now mint-crap.

Next time I’m painting the whole thing black. Walls. Ceiling. Floor. Windows. EVERYTHING.