Lend me your ear. Mine is broken.
People ask me all the time, “When are you going to do another funny blather?”
I don’t know. Next time something funny happens to me, I suppose.
Everyone likes to read about my suffering, so when I DON’T suffer, they start getting impatient for me to do something like get my scrotum caught in a Slurpee machine.
I admit, it’s been a while since I got a staph infection, or accidentally stuck my thumb up the ass of an airborne dog. And while you may be disappointed, I’m pretty happy with it.
Now my Barbarian Child is another story. He continues to injure himself in spectacular ways. He fell down the stairs twice this week, AND he wore the pads off his toes. Seriously. He’s spent an hour crab-crawling around the edge of the pool and now he’s bleeding all over the place. His toe-pads are sanden right off. It’s only a matter of time before the authorities take him away. I can explain bruises, but who will believe that missing toe pads aren’t due to some sort of hideous torture?
I’ve emailed a couple of you about my ear. I guess I could blather about that. So. . . um. . . here goes. Hey! My ear is all screwed up.
I'm not sick, but my ear feels plugged and everything I hear is distorted. I am hypersensitive to low noises. The air conditioner in the grocery store is usually barely audible, but now the sound of it just about rattles my teeth out of my head. It's like I'm inside a subwoofer in the back of a lowered Acura driven by a 14 year old Korean kid.
And there are other sounds that blow me away – wadding up paper, certain bass-lines, any fan...wierd.
After Rush Limbaugh got busted for drugs, I learned that a sudden change in a person's hearing can be a symptom of a brain tumor. . . or a sign that you are eating WAY too many pain pills. So I went to the doctor.
The doctor said, "You have a inflamed, fluid-filled Eustachian tube. (ten bucks says I didn't spell that right) Take pseudofed for two weeks." (another ten says I didn't spell "pseudofed" right either)
This seemed pretty straight forward, but it wasn’t. Have you tried to buy pseudofed? I'm pretty sure it's easier to buy uranium-enriched heroin. When I finally found a place that sells it (Pseudofed, not uranium) they would only sell me (1) package. I needed roughly 48 pills. But they could not sell me (2) packages of 24 pills. It's against the law to sell TWO packages. But it's perfectly legal to sell me a ONE package containing 96 pills. *forehead slap*
Then they checked photo ID, and verified my address. Since they were so interested in crawling up my ass with a microscope, I offered them a stool sample. (It was politely declined, so I left it behind the Ibuprofin.)
So finally I got my illicit drugs. And you know what? I took them for half a day and my problem got WORSE. Same as before, except I had constant humming and ringing in my ear. LOUD. And it HURT!
Sooo...I went to Doctor #2. She said, "Holy shit, stop taking pseudofed! Take this steroid nasal spray stuff." Her exact words. I swear.
So I got it. I tried it. And frankly, I wasn’t really all that good with it. You are supposed to take sharp sniff and shoot this stuff up your noseat teh same time. I don’t like to shoot things to go up my nose. Not pool water, not saw dust and not medicine.
After the first blast, I lost my sense of smell, my nose was burned and the back of my throat tasted like medicine. I could never be a good cocaine addict. I’d wimp out after the first line.
HEY! That reminds me of a really funny story... that I can't write about because my parents read this stuff and I don't want to get my friend in trouble. Shit. I need a new site...
But weeks have passed, and now I'm used to the medicine. My ear is 75% better, but still not right.
Next week I'll probably find out that my Eustachian tube is fine and that Rush Limbaugh has been dosing my coffee.