Mighty Wombat Interviews John Kerry
MW – Senator, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule. Let’s get right to it. What sets you apart from your opponent?
JK – Well, for one thing, I’m a decorated Vietnam War vet, and my opponent is a draft-dodging cokehead who couldn’t even serve a full tour of duty in theNational Guard.
MW – I was actually referring to policy. What is the biggest difference between the policies of the Bush administration and the policies of a Kerry presidency?
JK – Did I mention that I was in the military?
MW – Uh, yesssss…Speaking of the military, according to a Pentagon report, the single greatest threat to the United States and our allies isn’t terrorism. It’s global warming. The Pentagon predicts massive displacement of people, starvation, and economic collapse on a global scale. The Bush Administration, while admitting that global warming is a problem, pursues policies that weaken environmental protections and actually accelerates the output of greenhouse gasses. How would you deal with global warming?
JK – It’s no secret that global warming is real. The world is getting hotter. Hot. Like the jungles of Vietnam, where I fought for this great country of ours. Side by side with courageous men. Heroes. American heroes. POW! POW! Slugging it out with the gooks in steaming rice paddy!
MW – Did you just say, “Gooks?”
JK – No.
MW – Yes you did.
JK – I meant "yes".
MW – I can’t believe you are flip-flopping on this.
JK – I’m not flip-flopping. I’m a veteran.
MW – That has nothing to do with…Alright. Speaking of sudden reversals, in the last 4 years, our nation went from surplus to deficit, from a nation that needed immigrants to fill job-openings, to one that outsources them, from prosperity to record levels of poverty. What would you do to change this?
JK – I’ll fight for American workers just as hard as I fought for our flag in the brown-water navy in Vietnam.
MW – OK, I get it. We’ll talk “defense.” North Korea is building nuclear weapons and has threatened to turn the US and South Korea into “a sea of fire.” The current administration has all but ignored the threat, and focused its attention on Iraq. Tell it to me, Johnny-boy. How would you handle North Korea...seeing as how you area decorated war veteran with experience in Southeast Asia?
JK – I will personally command a fleet of swift boats. We’ll sail up the Mekong River at dawn. We’ll attack ferociously, guns blazing...for AMERICA! BrrrrrrrrT Ratta tatta tat!
MW – Dude. Seriously. The Mekong River isn’t even in North Korea. It’s in fucking VEE-IT-NAM.
JK – There you go with that Vietnam stuff again. Can we please talk about something else?
MW – Wha?!! You…I…(Grinding teeth)…look…you make an excellent point. My dad served in Vietnam, and he hates George Bush. But he’s not going to vote for you. And there are millions of people in this country just like him. So for the love of God, give us a reason to vote for you. This vote is more important that your war record. Bush has changed this country’s direction on everything from scientific research, to foreign policy. We’re turning into a dangerous, bankrupt, theocracy. What are you going to do about it?
JK –Viet.
MW – NO!
JK – Nam
MW – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!