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Dummy

Well…I lost my voice. I’m fucking mute; “dumb” you might say. I can whisper. MAYBE I can croak out a few audible words, but them I’m back to whispering. Who else do you know who can take an everyday malady like “the cold” and turn it into a goddamn sitcom? Nobody, that’s who. Apparently my sole purpose in life is to amuse the world with a plethora of non-lethal medical complications.

Listen, people, and listen good. If you run into somebody who has lost his voice, it doesn’t mean that he is also deaf. SHOUTING at me is not necessary. I hear you just fine. I just can’t muster the vocal strength to tell you to shut your cakehole.

I was at a restaurant with my lovely wife.She explained to the waitress that I lost my voice, so she would do the ordering. After she ordered our food, the waitress turned to me and bellowed slowly, “WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRINK” while performing an exaggerated pantomime of drinking.

Why is there never a cricket bat handy when I really need one?