Nurse Jack's List by Nurse Jack
This helpful list was composed by my good friend Nurse Jack. He's a nurse in a very goddamn busy Emergency Room, and he doesn't have time for your mundane, non-life-threatening bullshit.
1. DO NOT come to the ER if your thumb hurts from playing too much Playstation II
2. DO NOT come to the ER if you get soap in your baby’s eye and now it's (the eye) red. (this happened twice tonight),
3. If you need to call the ER and check on a family member, please tell us the name of the person you are looking for - NOT "Hi, is my fiancé there?" And it helps to know their full name - "Maybe, what's her name…’Jennifer’, but I don't know her last name.” (you must be pretty close)
4.DO NOT come to the ER and tell us you are allergic to ALL non-steroidal anti-inflamatories, and only that DEM, DIL stuff works (DEMEROL, DILAUDED).
5. I am NOT a waiter. You don't get to come here and eat, and feed your whole family.
6. Asking me how much longer will make it THAT MUCH LONGER.
7. Your mom was right, always wear clean underwear PLEASE, and some fresh socks would be nice as well.
8. Tell your significant others to wash their hoo-hoo before coming in as well.
9. If a bandaid stops the bleeding, stitches will only make it worse, and YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE, AND I AM GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THE HEART ATTACK FIRST.
10. If I have to come to the smoking area to find you for your respiratory problem, you don't have one.