Gate 2 at Los Angeles Interspecies Airport isn’t like the other gates. It’s a dank, windowless cell with a low ceiling and a vague urine smell. It must be where Southwest Air puts the gate agents it is ashamed of. Maybe they station them there as punishment for extreme stupidity. Whatever it is, I was there. And I was held hostage by the Microphone Bimbo.
The Mic Bimbo was apparently a cheerleader prior to her career in the passenger harassment industry. Like any good Rah Rah, she didn’t let her ignorance of the game dampen her enthusiasm. And so today, nearly a week after the Lakers eliminated the Kings from the playoffs, the day of the first game in the championship series between the Lakers and Nets, she shrieked into the microphone -
“Who is going to win tonight? Kings or Lakers? Kings? Noooooooo. LAKERS! Wooo! Yay! Go Lakers!”
We Kings fans, still smarting from our horrifying loss, just rolled our eyes and let her wallow in ignorance. The Lakers fans, in contrast, hooted and pumped their fists; their faces alight with an atavistic pleasure usually seen in the dopey-eyed expression of a small dog humping your leg.
The Mic Bimbo is really nothing compared to other, more loathsome Laker fans. How about Marv Albert? Is there anything more irritating than listening to this obnoxious little transvestite call a basketball game?
If Hedo Turkolu sinks a thirty-footer, then Marv remarks that he “got lucky on an ill-advised desperation shot.” But when Kobe takes it to the hole, Marvelous Marv ejaculates, “Yes!!” with the sort of enthusiasm usually reserved for his weekly visit from the Manties* delivery boy.
And if his idiot ravings weren’t enough, Mavin is coupled with another Lakers worshiper – Bill Walton. The relentless stream of insipid melodrama that he vomits forth in the guise of color commentary actually causes me physical pain. It scares my cat, drives my dog from the room and kills my goldfish. He gets paid for this?
I don’t know what kind of relationship these two asshats share beyond exposing their mutual Laker fetish on network TV. But it wouldn’t surprise me if they get together to re-enact "Pulp Fiction" scenes. I can only hope that Bill is the one who wears the ball gag.