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United Airlines Sucks

United Airlines wants $500 to fly me round trip - Sacramento to DC. If I only want a one-way ticket, the price jumps to $1000. That’s twice the cost for half the service. Is it any wonder this airline is careening towards bankruptcy?

I tried to explain the folly of this price structure to the United agent on the phone, but she refused to acknowledge my wisdom.

“Look,” I pontificated, “if you sell tires, you don’t price four tires for $100 and one tire for $400. That’s totally backwards. Try making that pitch to your average tire-buying consumer and he’s going to bounce his lug-nuts off your chin.”

Maybe she was too busy visualizing the whole lug-nuts/chin thing, because she didn’t respond right away.

So I got down off my soapbox and asked for the round-trip ticket. I figured I’d just use one half of it then bail on the trip home. I mean, its not like the Untied Ticket Cops are going to bust down my door and force me onto a plane.

I asked nicely. I said “please.”

“Sorry, sir. I can’t do that. I suspect you are planning on only using half the ticket.”

Now here was a new wrinkle. United wouldn’t let me buy a ticket because they were afraid I wouldn’t fully utilize it. What planet are these people from? Can you imagine if this was the business model for other industries?


     “Sorry, mister. I can’t sell your old ass this Happy Meal. I suspect that you might not play with the included collectors-edition Pokemon fruit-scented Gel Pen.”
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     “Sorry, city-boy. I can’t sell you this Ford F-5000 Envirocrusher SUV. I get the feeling you won’t utilize the compound low gearing to navigate slippery off-road terrain.”
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     “Tough luck, doublestuff. One look at your giant ass and tiny-little stick-arms tells me that there’s no way you are ever going to do all 470 possible strengthening and toning exercises with the Nordic-Traq Bowflex Deluxe. Keep your money."
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Listen to me, people. Do not let Congress give these pig-ignorant nimrods another bailout. Do not shed a tear when they go out of business forever. United Airlines is a stupid company, owned and operated by stupid people with stupid ideas.